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Greasy Spoon Gossip and News with 'Arry and Mike

April 20, 2018

Written by:


"Gypsies, tramps and thieves,
We'd hear it from the people of the town"

“There you go my love,” Sandra says as she puts the plate down.  She isn’t thanked verbally, but she can see the gratitude displayed.  A small piece of bacon is masticated several times before gently swallowed.  The beans are finished in an instant, a personal favourite obviously and then the large builder’s strength is slurped down with huge appreciation.  As the final drop is consumed, a satisfied gust of air is exhaled, and the breakfast is vanquished.


“Sandra,” I say disappointed, “that dog’s breakfast looked better than the one I have here.”


“Well Mike,” Sandra replies, “my new Rottweiler saved the day recently.  We heard a big bang in the car park, so she legged it out there and scared the toe-rag away screaming.  I could hear the girl screaming all the way down Bolina Road.  She was just what I wanted her to make this place: friendly yet hostile when it needs to be!”


“Bit like what Neil Harris said on NewsatDen it says here.” I say as I get my iPad out and recollect an earlier story I read by John Kelly. “It said that he wants The Den to be loud and hostile because of the difference it makes to the opposition.  He’s right, The Den has been absolutely rocking recently.”


“That was a great article I have to say,” Sandra agreed, “I also liked the one where he said he didn’t mind Fulham having more possession, because as he says most other teams have had more possession than us and we’ve turned them over.  Do you want your breakfast brought over love?”


“Yes, please Sandra,” I eagerly reply, “but can you cut down on the hash browns today though please?  I know you’re trying to get Stephen Cavalar here more often, but I think six on top of my fry-up was a bit excessive.”


“What do you mean I want Steve to come here more?” Sandra giggled as her cheeks gradually started to glow.  It was a reply of a love-sick teenager who although slightly embarrassed, was dying to keep talking about her new crush, “I haven’t seen Steve Cavalar for ages now.”


“Well that’s a big fat lie isn’t it?!” came a voice from behind us and we turned to see ‘Arry walk in. “I saw him the other day when I was on my way to my drama class.  He was leaving the café around the back door before you opened up!”


“That’s not true!” Sandra defensively shrieked, “I don’t know what you mean ‘Arry…”


“It doesn’t matter Sandra,” I reply, trying to defuse the situation that was starting to arise. “You’re a fan of the B. Taylor Delveries Man that’s fine.  Just like Neil Harris is a big fan of Ryan Sessegnon and he’s right, he is a top player.  Chopper says as well that he hopes he graces the Premier League one day and gets international honours.  It’ll be a busy night for the Lions on Friday that’s for sure.”


“I don’t think that dog likes me Mike,” ‘Arry said in a worrying tone, “it’s looked at me since the moment I walked in, I think it can sense something and it scared the life out of me the other night.  I left my Smash Hits magazine in here so I came back to get it.  Next thing you know the bloody thing starts barking at me and chasing me down the street!”


“Haha that is brilliant!” I laugh, “mate, Sandra thinks she and the dog were scaring away a burglar who ran off screaming in a shrilling way.  Apparently, you could hear the crying from South Bermondsey station!”


“Well I wasn’t in the best of moods at the thought of a bloody Rottweiler hanging off my valuables at 8’o’clock at night, was I?!” ‘Arry replied defensively.  “But at least Millwall are in a good mood and loving the fact we are play-off chasers.”


“And also, this Friday’s game should have a family feel to it,” I reply, “it’s Jimmy’s Day for the Fulham game and hopefully it gets the coverage.  The Mizens are a wonderful family and just like Steve Kavanagh says, let’s hope it gets the platform it deserves.  It’s great to see their hard work is getting exposure.”


“It is mate,” ‘Arry agrees, “anyway do you want to know what’s been happening at the Lionesses?  It’s been a bit busy there…”




It was warm it was sweaty and it was blistering, but less about Mikes hairy toes!  On Wednesday night, the Lionesses took to the field on an emotional night against Aston Villa. The Lionesses came from behind and scored a last-minute winner through Leighanne Robe’s PERFECTLY HIT free kick.  The ground erupted a bit like Sandra after that Colours song by Jason Derulo comes on.

With the heat cranking up I couldn’t help but ask why Mike decided to wear a woolly hat to the cafe today.


“Mike,” I asked in a puzzled manner, “what went through your mind this morning when you thought you’d wear a hat?”

“Well ‘Arry,” Mike replied, “the Lionesses have the superstition that the ‘3..2..1 let’s all have a disco’ motivates them for the next game, right?  So I’m going to wear this hat every time they win to see if it brings good luck!”

It was fair to say it was a busy night last night as we looked to get as many famous people interviewed at the ground.  We managed to interview former CEO Jeff Burnige, Lionesses Goalkeeper Sarah Quantrill and who can forget Gareth Wynne?!

“Thought the interviews were cracking last night ‘Arry.” Mike said in a complimentary manner, “hopefully it’s raised some awareness.  I’m also glad you interviewed my favourite player’s dad.”

After the news of potential admin this week it was important the side motivates themselves for the game, even more than Mike did when he stepped up for his first penalty.

As Mike tucked into his full English he noticed a rather long grey hair. “’Arry, have a look I’ve found a hair on my plate and it’s grey, Sandra isn’t that old is she?!”

“Oi!” Sandra shouted in disgust, “I may be getting on but I’m not quite there yet!  I know Steve Morison was in here earlier, he said something about getting his nails done by Charlotte Clinton.”

“I heard he has lovely nails,” I replied, “better than Charlie Devlin’s!”

As we tried to work out who’s hair it was, There was no hiding the fact that the excitement of last night was still in us.

“ After reaching their £10,000 goal I’m really hoping that it helps them get through to the rest of the season,” I pondered, “and then they can push on for next season from sponsors.”

“Next season will be massive for this club,” Mike agreed, “I don’t see why no businessman wouldn’t sponsor, like imagine meeting Dave!! I know I would!”

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